I’ve been excited about hearing from, and possibly reconnecting with a few people I haven’t seen or talked to in quite some time. I’m not talking about a few months or years, either. I didn’t even know if these folks were alive and if so, where they’d be located in the world! So what’s stopping me from calling, emailing or getting together for a reunion? I don’t know. What’s worse is that I don’t know if I really want to reconnect or if I like the idea of knowing they’re alive, and out there doing well.

I’m wondering if this reluctance to leave a part of myself that is more than 15-20 years old in the past, selfish or a self-saving? I don’t talk about it often but there were quite a few bad memories and some things that go bump in the night that still give me nightmares. Yes, random nightmares 20 years later! Don’t judge – my subconscious mind likes to eff with me big time on some days. That can’t be a good thing, huh? Anyway, I wonder if the hesitance to reconnect will stir that memory pot even more. I’m thinking it will.

Maybe it’s like scent memory. You know how you smell something like a warm chocolate chip cookie with peanut butter baking, a mouth-watering set of comfort food like homemade chicken and dumplings, or a fragrance that smells like your mom’s perfume – something you’d smell everyday when she came home from work and hugged you…and those scents immediately transport your mind and body (temporarily) back to that place? Or, it could be a horrible scent like bleach that removed blood stains, or antiseptic rinses used to clean and nurse bruises. Yeah, scents get a bad rep – we either love them or loath the scent? So yeah, I’m thinking it’ll be just like that – a wonderful euphoric loving or a desolate and desecrating loathing. And as with any good loathing, nightmares and bad memories will feel more privy to setting up shop in your mind and just working you over. The events could feel so much fresher.

I know this may mean that I’m scared and haven’t truly ‘fessed up to the bumps in the night, nor to the array of bad memories but I honestly don’t think I’m ready to do that. And you know what…? I may never be ready to go there. Besides, who’s gonna make me??! Ha! But all joking aside, I do feel a little crappy about shying away from reconnecting and from catching up with others who were not responsible for the bumps in the night. Their sins were merely by association – offspring of, siblings of, and witnesses to many of the bumps.

So maybe I’m using my self-preservation and sanity retention as excuses but I think that’s my prerogative. And hey, who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind somewhere down the road. Then, maybe the reconnection will go smoothly and I won’t have to worry about any bogeymen. Maybe all of this worrying will be for nothing. But who knows? I won’t…at least not yet.

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