Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Big Time, Baby!

Posted: June 21, 2016 in Humor
Tags: , , , , ,

Recently, we won a few dollars on lottery tickets. I, like so many others, now have codes to get free tickets because Ticketmaster ripped us off for years, and in another settlement, Apple and Amazon settled a lawsuit which “gifts” me money to spend on books. Books!! I squealed loudest when I found out I could get more books!

All of this leads me to believe that I’ve now been properly trained and practiced in the art of the squeal and of happiness that comes with unexpected money (regardless of how much I paid to “earn” said money; don’t burst my bubble). Therefore, I await my next big lottery ticket windfall. I’m ready, y’all! I’m now worthy. 😉

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“What is love?” is the hardest and easiest question to answer. Everyone seems to have an opinion on it, be in it, have felt it, search constantly for it, fall out of it, and so more more. Oh, and if you think I’m about to add my answer to this question here, let me be clear – I am not.

I just wanted to share that while I think I know what love is, how it feels when in it and when out of it, I know what makes me feel loved and what makes me love others, and it’s usually seemingly little things like:

– The person I love making me coffee or being awesome and sharing or making me a meal just because they know I’ll enjoy it (or in the case of coffee, I may consider killing someone without it).

– Spending a day together where the activity levels range from doing nothing to binge watching a series to attacking every mundane adulting thing like grocery shopping and laundry. Why? Because I was able to spend it with the person I care about. Oh, and clean clothes and sheets smell great! (By the way, do you know there are people who love, love, love, doing laundry, like addicted, to doing their laundry? I didn’t…but of all the addictions to have, I think this may be the most beneficial to have).

– The dog being happy to see me. If you don’t understand this one, sorry, (not sorry) we can’t be friends. 

So here’s to a day and a week of you all feeling loved, loving others, and great smelling sheets!

grateful for mansplain
Some, (read: many men) love blaming feminists for creating terms like “Mansplaining” because they believe it paints all men with a negative paintbrush. This is not true. There are many men who do not mansplain things and are very capable of having conversations that are funny and respectful and sane. Of course because they are sane, they’re not accused of mansplaining. So what is this “mansplaining” anyway? According to ye ole google machine, this is what it is:

Mansplain Definition

allow me to mansplain

 

How does one mansplain something?

no such thing as mansplain

It seems that many men believe that their masculine parts (read: penis) equip them with a brain so superior to a woman’s, that on many topics he would be an expert regardless of the woman’s expertise, background, qualifications, or hell, even opinions. I’ve heard some people describe it as men who claim to be good at everything even when they clearly have never done said thing they’re mansplaining. But that’s just arrogance and assholery. As humans we are not capable of being good at every single thing we attempt or think about.

 

Let’s not be assholes or mansplainers or trolls. But trolls is a topic for another day. Today, just go out there and be open, engaging and if, as a man you feel the urge to explain to a woman why she should not feel the way she does, why she should see things from your perspective because you have one little clue about whichever topic you’re discussing…don’t. Embrace what everyone brings to the conversation, to our experiences, and to life in general. Don’t be that guy!

tina geys

Persecute

: to treat (someone) cruelly or unfairly especially because of race or religious or political beliefs

: to constantly annoy or bother (someone)

#ItsJustACup

Starbucks SoCalled Persecution

human Christina Perri

As I was listening to the song, “Human” by Christina Perri: https://youtu.be/r5yaoMjaAmE, I realized that on some days I feel like a superhero who can do anything like these guys below…

superhero

Then, on many, many days (more than the days above, anyway), I feel like this tangled, knotted up ball of weird fur:

Animal from Muppets. All Credit to Jim Henson and Co.

Animal from Muppets. All Credit to Jim Henson and Co.

Yeah, maybe being a writer is in my bone marrow and soul.

Writer-Woes Credit to Espressoandpencakes

Credit to espressoandpencakes.com

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Any other writers out there have the following series of events occur (not necessarily in this order)?

1. Submit entries to magazines and literary journals, etc. and feel super proud of the accomplishment.

This is when you just know that your kickass essays, poetry, and short stories will grab the editor’s eye. He or she will be so blown away by your style, wit and story telling capability that you’ll be accepted for publishing.

2. Become extremely optimistic about being accepted in the writing world.

This is where you plan on updating your bio to reflect your newly accepted submissions. You’ll also start thinking calling everyone you know to tell them your work has been accepted for publishing but then realize you’ll have to them actually talk to them after the initial announcement, so you decide you’ll text them instead.

3. Begin feeling nothing but absolute fear and dread in the pit of your belly about being rejected.

This is where you check the submissions webpages like a junkie. When that doesn’t work as quickly as you’d like, you learn all of the computer shortcuts to refresh a webpage and them execute them repeatedly hoping to see the submission status change from, “In progress” to “Accepted” after about the fifteenth refreshed page appears. Then, when the status doesn’t change, you realize that this is potentially (yet another!) rejection and you now begin feeling a bout of belly bubble angst aka diarrhea coming on!

No?

Yeah, me neither…

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All credit and photo rights to Peanuts®

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A guy told me that I “shouldn’t dress in a masculine manner”. I assured him that I tied my neckwear, pulled on my pants, and buttoned my shirt with nothing but dainty feminine movements. As with many people who do not understand my humor (read: and are stupid), he didn’t even realize I was making fun of his comment.

Another male said to me that girls talking about a menstrual period in public is “icky”. I responded with the word, “thump” every time he said “icky”. He didn’t get it. Oh, and my crime? I asked a friend for some pain relivers because I was having cramps that felt like Satan himself organized a flash mob in my lower back.

Another dude repeatedly made snide remarks about a woman who has to use a private office, with the door closed, to pump milk for her baby since she’s breastfeeding. He said that no man wants to know what boobs are being used for if they’re not for motorboating. So my convo went as follows:

Me: You ever consider it?
Him: Motorboating?
Me: No, breastfeeding.
Him: I’m a man!
Me: Oh okay. Those 36 Cs with the rigid nips fooled me.
Him: *blank stare and stomped away*

Mansplaining? Misogyny?

Maybe…

Either way, while I’m not perfect, I’m learning to accept my body and myself.

Disclaimer: Oh, and I know many men who do not feel this way. To these men, I applaud and appreciate you for loving women and fighting for their rights.

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