Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

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When you’re the happiest semi sad person around, it can get weird. Mostly in your head. But if it’s weird there, then I’m sure it’ll get weird in other areas too. What is this “semi sad happy”?

It’s when you’re happy, have a lot going for you, but still feel sad about something or someone. I guess that happens to most people and it’s normal? For example, if you’re having a good time with friends but missing someone, or if you’re seemingly contentedly doing something you usually enjoy, like maybe reading a book, enjoying rays of sunshine, sitting by a body of water, playing with a fur baby or an actual baby but wish someone else were there with you, this is semi sad but happy. Also, I say, “semi”, because you’re not full blown sad amd down and out, just not completely happy or fully at peace.

Either way, it feels odd being the happiest semi sad person. Or maybe it’s just a reaction to a mind itch. Like, does the person I miss, miss me too? Does the person I wish were here, want to be here? Our minds never let us rest but I’m thinking it’s because we don’t allow our minds to do just that – rest. Resting, relaxation, and self evaluation may help. So umtil I get the answers, I’ll just sit and stir thoughts into my dark, brooding mind and reflect. The mind itch needs to be scratched.

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I have nightmares of epic proportions at times. They’re so bad that the feelings of dread and being uncomfortable can last an entire day. What’s weirder to me is that sometimes I’ll have the same dream but with a different outcome, or have different thimgs happen in the same location, or even pick back up on the dream on a totally different night! I’m sure I’m not the only one because I’m not that freakishly special.

I’ve only ever told one person some of the crazy dreams because I think that person is strong enough to hear them and because to be honest, I don’t want others knowing how utterly fucked my mind is at times, apparently. And yes, I know these are not active thoughts so there’s little I can do to control them. However, since dreams supposedly mask life events or fears or goals, etc. or are abstract or very real indications of something else that may be occurring in life, I wish there was a magic decoder ring that would tell me what I need to know so I can keep life moving.

Sure, there are tons of resources online and books and people who claim they can interpret dreams. But I don’t really trust all of that. So here I am, about to go to sleep again on another night, following yoga and meditation.  If these two things don’t work, it’ll be another long day tomorrow. But you know what? The one thing I am getting better at, is disguising and pushing down the heartache, and the sense of dread as I try to give myself a mood boost and ignore the nightmares and these asinine creatures and humans in my head. Hell, maybe even my way of dealing with it, tje cover-up, is indicative of something as well. Who knows? Either way, I’m one edgy night creature. Just ask the truly fucked up characters in these head stories of mine. 

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Any other writers out there have the following series of events occur (not necessarily in this order)?

1. Submit entries to magazines and literary journals, etc. and feel super proud of the accomplishment.

This is when you just know that your kickass essays, poetry, and short stories will grab the editor’s eye. He or she will be so blown away by your style, wit and story telling capability that you’ll be accepted for publishing.

2. Become extremely optimistic about being accepted in the writing world.

This is where you plan on updating your bio to reflect your newly accepted submissions. You’ll also start thinking calling everyone you know to tell them your work has been accepted for publishing but then realize you’ll have to them actually talk to them after the initial announcement, so you decide you’ll text them instead.

3. Begin feeling nothing but absolute fear and dread in the pit of your belly about being rejected.

This is where you check the submissions webpages like a junkie. When that doesn’t work as quickly as you’d like, you learn all of the computer shortcuts to refresh a webpage and them execute them repeatedly hoping to see the submission status change from, “In progress” to “Accepted” after about the fifteenth refreshed page appears. Then, when the status doesn’t change, you realize that this is potentially (yet another!) rejection and you now begin feeling a bout of belly bubble angst aka diarrhea coming on!

No?

Yeah, me neither…

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All credit and photo rights to Peanuts®

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Questions I’ve asked myself today as I scratched the crudely formed words on my phone’s screen with my camera’s drawing tool:

Are my dreams dying a little, day by day, in my workplace? If so, what am I doing to stop that from happening? Or am I allowing this to happen?

Does my workplace fuel my creativity and energy to be the true me? If not, did it ever? Am I lying to myself because I’ve gotten used to the paycheck?

Even if my workplace doesn’t actively foster my creativity and feed my soul with dark chocolate, caramel and grand marnier flavored nuggets of joy, does it at least let me go after the workday is over, to chase my creative goals? If not, am I using my paychecky laced lifestyle to crush my own damn dreams? Hell, do I still have a dream…?

Do you? How do you nurture and encourage your dream(s) to continue growing when you too, are used to the paychecky comfort that comes from a corporate dreamkiller?

Copyright 2013 – Natasha Ramsey

Girl 

I am a girl who,

who, who…

I am a girl who doesn’t know what she doesn’t know

But what I do know, I’ll tell the world and

you too.

Only, the world doesn’t care,

the world doesn’t hear my

screams at night.

To be fair

I don’t either.

Thanks to Haldol in recommended doses and this

hypo-allergenic feather pillow.

I was told I tend to wallow in deep, deep,

deep, despair. Maybe there were more “deeps” in that description

but after two does it really make a difference?

I’m told to say things out loud as affirmative thoughts into the world.

“See me! I am here!”

Fuck this bullshit. I’m here.

Who gave anyone the right to stare life in the eyes and

be bold,

cry,

scream.

To do anything?

I wish someone would tell them all

to try this therapy and leave me the fuck alone.

Girls like me are a joke.

A test, a challenge, a dare of

how much amusement I can provide to a bully’s peers.

Kristie, Kirsten, Allie, Ben, Jason, Chaz, Justin…

they’re all the same

Just called by different names.

Me, the eating disorder joke to share

in class, amidst whispers of

“I bet she shivers and gags when she swallows,

if she even does boys.”

Girls like me are used as placeholders till others come along.

You gloss over, look through,

and up my skirt to determine worth.

Wax on and wax off mutherfucker, I’m not for sale –

To you anyway.

This sad domain you call society ruled by men and royalty

mean absolutely nothing to me.

I am your new social norm.

Trying to navigate a culture formed on

angst, bulimia, binge drinking, coloring.

Purging through cutting,

Bleeding monthly.

Gateway to escaping the well-traveled mind.

My heart fills spaces in time to

nothing and no one.

This rainbow oreo

Doesn’t fit in.

Girls like me aren’t straight but we’re not necessarily gay.

Girls like me aren’t sad but we’re not necessarily happy.

Girls like me aren’t at peace but we are at peace. Maybe.

Confused? Don’t be.

A good book, a good cry – it’s all the same.

Don’t try to understand because I don’t see a change

coming any time soon.

Let me be miserable.

In time, I’ll heal.

Trying to survive in this crazy world

Do you think?
does she know…?

Does anyone know

everything is:

Fuckable,

Likeable,

Enjoyable,

Cringeable?

I don’t see the point in any of this.

I’m me.

You’re you.

My brown skin don’t impress upon you thoughts

that flow rampantly in and out of my mind.

I hear that’s a sign of creativity but

Then there’s that thin line between genius and crazy.

Since genius is not me

I’ll stick to crazy

Familiarity breeds freedom.

This fuckdom you call society

Isn’t for me.

I’ll take my crazy, non-straight, label-free lifestyle elsewhere.

I’m free.

I’m free.

Maybe.

Copyright 2013. Natasha Ramsey

Courtesy of Hungover Poet

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

If you or someone you know need help, see:

This is post #3 in my series of Wonderful Humans. The series is picking up steam as names continue to surface in my mind and flow in from friends and fellow artists and performers. Gandhi is right – we can be the change we want to see in this world. So today’s wonderful human is not a particular person, but the type of person I admire and think of as wonderful. Ha, just when you thought you understood my mind, I change it so stay alert!

I admire and consider the dreamer/dream chaser, a wonderful human. This person has evolved from several aspects – one, from knowing early in life what they wanted, desired or needed to become or create, and they chased that dream until they got the life they desired. The other version of this person, for those of you speaks directly to those who aren’t there yet, self included, who did not chase the dreams from a younger age, but have since realized that what we want is different than what we have/life/experience so we woke up and are chasing the dream now. To the people in either of these categories, I admire you tremendously!

To all of us who trudge on, stifle the urge to scream, and resist the temptation of the ever-almighty back hand slap when life punches you square in the jaw and blackens your eye leaving with you nothing but seething pain and desire to escape, I salute you and want you to know that you can do it. Don’t let everyday obstacles such as a child’s schedule, life and family duties, the ever-demanding 9-5, and who knows what else, get in your way. If you want something badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it.

Oh, and don’t think I’m only preaching or lecturing. I’m writing this to myself as well. Sometimes, I inadvertently side step my dreams and goals of being the full time writer that I know I can be. I give my heart and energy to others and to other people’s dreams and goals. While I enjoy the core aspects of my regular job and life, I realize that to my organization, I’m a replaceable number and sometimes, when I get close to colleagues, I’m reminded that while we can work well together and create amazing products and services, our goals and outlook on life are not the same. Therefore, when I’m working on my novels or editing my new poem after work, while working out, or at midnight, I can’t continue to ignore my needs and join others in their round the clock company dedication. Of course I will give my employer my full attention and skill while at work, but once I exit the building, my personal time has to be my own.

That being said, I want to encourage all of us to follow our dreams, listen to our hearts and don’t let anyone tell you there’s something you shouldn’t do, question, ask or consider. Above all, enjoy life while you have it. Sure, we all have responsibilities. Do what you must or agreed to, but if you can afford it, don’t trade your life and dreams for a paycheck only.

Be the awesome, wonderful, human you are!