Posts Tagged ‘nightmares’

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When you’re the happiest semi sad person around, it can get weird. Mostly in your head. But if it’s weird there, then I’m sure it’ll get weird in other areas too. What is this “semi sad happy”?

It’s when you’re happy, have a lot going for you, but still feel sad about something or someone. I guess that happens to most people and it’s normal? For example, if you’re having a good time with friends but missing someone, or if you’re seemingly contentedly doing something you usually enjoy, like maybe reading a book, enjoying rays of sunshine, sitting by a body of water, playing with a fur baby or an actual baby but wish someone else were there with you, this is semi sad but happy. Also, I say, “semi”, because you’re not full blown sad amd down and out, just not completely happy or fully at peace.

Either way, it feels odd being the happiest semi sad person. Or maybe it’s just a reaction to a mind itch. Like, does the person I miss, miss me too? Does the person I wish were here, want to be here? Our minds never let us rest but I’m thinking it’s because we don’t allow our minds to do just that – rest. Resting, relaxation, and self evaluation may help. So umtil I get the answers, I’ll just sit and stir thoughts into my dark, brooding mind and reflect. The mind itch needs to be scratched.

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Image: google search dreamstime

I have nightmares of epic proportions at times. They’re so bad that the feelings of dread and being uncomfortable can last an entire day. What’s weirder to me is that sometimes I’ll have the same dream but with a different outcome, or have different thimgs happen in the same location, or even pick back up on the dream on a totally different night! I’m sure I’m not the only one because I’m not that freakishly special.

I’ve only ever told one person some of the crazy dreams because I think that person is strong enough to hear them and because to be honest, I don’t want others knowing how utterly fucked my mind is at times, apparently. And yes, I know these are not active thoughts so there’s little I can do to control them. However, since dreams supposedly mask life events or fears or goals, etc. or are abstract or very real indications of something else that may be occurring in life, I wish there was a magic decoder ring that would tell me what I need to know so I can keep life moving.

Sure, there are tons of resources online and books and people who claim they can interpret dreams. But I don’t really trust all of that. So here I am, about to go to sleep again on another night, following yoga and meditation.  If these two things don’t work, it’ll be another long day tomorrow. But you know what? The one thing I am getting better at, is disguising and pushing down the heartache, and the sense of dread as I try to give myself a mood boost and ignore the nightmares and these asinine creatures and humans in my head. Hell, maybe even my way of dealing with it, tje cover-up, is indicative of something as well. Who knows? Either way, I’m one edgy night creature. Just ask the truly fucked up characters in these head stories of mine. 

I’ve been excited about hearing from, and possibly reconnecting with a few people I haven’t seen or talked to in quite some time. I’m not talking about a few months or years, either. I didn’t even know if these folks were alive and if so, where they’d be located in the world! So what’s stopping me from calling, emailing or getting together for a reunion? I don’t know. What’s worse is that I don’t know if I really want to reconnect or if I like the idea of knowing they’re alive, and out there doing well.

I’m wondering if this reluctance to leave a part of myself that is more than 15-20 years old in the past, selfish or a self-saving? I don’t talk about it often but there were quite a few bad memories and some things that go bump in the night that still give me nightmares. Yes, random nightmares 20 years later! Don’t judge – my subconscious mind likes to eff with me big time on some days. That can’t be a good thing, huh? Anyway, I wonder if the hesitance to reconnect will stir that memory pot even more. I’m thinking it will.

Maybe it’s like scent memory. You know how you smell something like a warm chocolate chip cookie with peanut butter baking, a mouth-watering set of comfort food like homemade chicken and dumplings, or a fragrance that smells like your mom’s perfume – something you’d smell everyday when she came home from work and hugged you…and those scents immediately transport your mind and body (temporarily) back to that place? Or, it could be a horrible scent like bleach that removed blood stains, or antiseptic rinses used to clean and nurse bruises. Yeah, scents get a bad rep – we either love them or loath the scent? So yeah, I’m thinking it’ll be just like that – a wonderful euphoric loving or a desolate and desecrating loathing. And as with any good loathing, nightmares and bad memories will feel more privy to setting up shop in your mind and just working you over. The events could feel so much fresher.

I know this may mean that I’m scared and haven’t truly ‘fessed up to the bumps in the night, nor to the array of bad memories but I honestly don’t think I’m ready to do that. And you know what…? I may never be ready to go there. Besides, who’s gonna make me??! Ha! But all joking aside, I do feel a little crappy about shying away from reconnecting and from catching up with others who were not responsible for the bumps in the night. Their sins were merely by association – offspring of, siblings of, and witnesses to many of the bumps.

So maybe I’m using my self-preservation and sanity retention as excuses but I think that’s my prerogative. And hey, who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind somewhere down the road. Then, maybe the reconnection will go smoothly and I won’t have to worry about any bogeymen. Maybe all of this worrying will be for nothing. But who knows? I won’t…at least not yet.